And after all this time you'd think I'd learn that you shouldn't go for hockey players.

jesus christ gillian

Well, I'm off. So many emotions I can't exactly find the words. I'm so excited, nervous, sad, happy, ready, not ready... the basic emotions of a kid right before they leave for college. Let's hope this fresh start works out for me, because I've been betting on it.

Love you all. Whoever "all" is. I'll try and update this as much as I can, but I won't even have time to breathe the first few weeks!

Honestly the worst thing you can do to someone is tell them that you love them then never talk to them again. I would know

Uncomfortable Nostalgia

Well. It's over. A year and a half year's of work is over. Vanished. I thought I would be so elated when this day came- to sum up my summer would be working endlessly and missing out on tons of fun things, and for what? No recognition. 

We all live for hope. I hoped that my hard work would be recognized. Endless scheduling and staying there in the loneliness of the late night- I thought maybe it would all pay off somehow. And the broken heart, I thought that would be mended. Not that we would rekindle things- I know that would NEVER happen. It just isn't meant to happen. But some sort of peace talk, some sort of closure. Some sort of "I'll miss you."

Instead, what I got on my last day was a sharp, "See ya" from him. A pat on the back, no "Thank you" from anyone. Nothing. I just got sent off without a care. I started crying- tears streamed from my eyes as I walked out the door. I couldn't help but wonder why. I don't love it there. If you knew me you would know that. But I do so much there. Did so much, I guess. I was their glue, and they knew that. I put my heart and soul into that place and making it better. And I genuinely cared about the people. I have so much history there- so many good things, and so many bad things, and to leave it at a "see ya" broke my heart. 

I thought maybe my last day would have closure. Things would be mended. But nothing was mended, and that sent me into a panic mode. I didn't see it ending like this.

I don't know how to feel.

I guess all it really is is a "See ya."

Someone who I've hung out with once and told over and over again that I just wanted to be friends. It's so revolting and disgusting to see the kinds of things people say when they're upset. Like honestly, do you even understand that what you say affects other people? Despicable.

happy birthday.

Low key freaking out about college. I am SO excited for it. I am so excited for new people, new boys, new surroundings- we are completely starting our lives over. It's almost like we're being born again.

But I already know I'm going to feel insecure. I always feel such a need to be internally competitive with other girls, even if I don't realize I'm doing it. I'm going to feel fat and ugly around other sorority girls. I have been going crazy in the gym only to see very few results, and now I'm insecure about that. I know it's supposed to be the time of your life, and I'm sure it will be, I just don't want to get caught up in the wrong things.

To think that in exactly three weeks I'll be starting a completely new life is crazy.

I am SO sick of the world "stop" not being taken seriously.

Sometimes I still really question my judgement. After all I've learned, I still seem to make mistakes. Last week I ended up in a pretty bad part of Chicago because this guy I know invited me to a party. He's never really said much about himself, but he seemed super interested in me and he seemed really nice. He wasn't part of the North Shore bubble. I liked that. He's my age, yet he lives such a different life. Anyways, I show up, and it's just such a different world. People snorting drugs off tables, meanwhile I'm holding my car keys being the designated driver. I know no one at the party but him. He holds on to me all night, calling me beautiful and all this shit, until one second he just doesn't. He goes on to talk about how he thinks I should go, that he only "hangs out with dimes" and that he'll probably never see me again. Did I forget to mention that he told me earlier in the night that he dropped out of high school at age 16 and has to intent on going back? ever? He treated me like I was so gross. Like I wasn't good enough.

It's no secret that I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm not going to lie, I've been called hot many times. I have boobs and an ass, it's not that surprising that I'd hear that. But I've never really thought I was pretty. But to hear that out of someone who, quite honestly, is going nowhere, and have him think he's SO much better than me? What a JOKE. I drove to a terrible neighborhood where I knew no one, and that's what he's going to say? HA.

I'm just glad I didn't get killed or something, quite honestly. I could be upset about how I completely misjudged this guy, and I could get super self conscious about the comments he made to me. Or I could realize that I'm going to be around 20,000 new college guys, and that I won't even remember this odd and ridiculous night.

I'm growing. Slowly but surely.

PS- I don't recommend making the decision I made haha.

The weirdest things have been happening so when I find a way to put them into words I'll post that.

It's a real struggle.

Everyone is addicted to something. I've never been a huge fan of drinking and I probably never will be, I've smoked or done any drugs other than what has been prescribed to me- the usual things that people my age seem to be so addicted to these days. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do it, I just don't really have a huge inclination to. It sounds super strange to find a way to phrase this, because I wouldn't exactly say that I'm boy crazy since that's kind of a middle school phrase, but it's kind of true. I think that's sort of my addiction. I always have to have something going on. It gets me into trouble a lot of the time, whether that's hurting someone or being hurt myself. It just gives me sort of a rush, I don't know... the chase of it all. The thing is, though, is that I'm not this huge player type. I seem like I am, because I make sure I don't throw all my marbles in for just one person (I know better than to do that), but at the end of the day that's all I want to do. I'm so excited for college because of the new experiences and new pool of guys, but I'm also dreading all of the one night stands or random hookups that are going to come with that. I just hate that. I don't want that. But I also don't know if I can handle a relationship. So where does that leave me?

My mom was yelling at me today because I went out with a 22 year old last night. "Do you honestly think you can keep up with their expectations?"

Look. In all honesty, if I've learned anything from all of my experiences, it's that you need to set your own expectations. They don't get to set them for you. You get to do what you want with them, say what you want to them, etc. Just because they're older than you doesn't mean anything. I've gone out with respectful older guys and terribly disrespectful and aggressive "younger guys" or guys my age. It really doesn't have much to do with age. I'm sick of seeing girls being warned about expectations when, instead, we should be teaching our daughters to set our OWN expectations. It's a travesty, really. Do what YOU want. No one's setting expectations for you unless you abide by them.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

There seems to be an extreme pain with warm, sunny, summer nights. It all brings me back to the end of last summer. Dancing in my underwear at 3 am making cupcakes with him, driving around way past when I should've been on an early September school night, having him carry me down the driveway to look at the stars when I refused to move, missing my high school homecoming game to sneak around with him, sitting on his lap in the most random bubble tea shop ever created... it's all just hitting me like a million bricks. My heart physically hurts when I breathe in the warm air, it physically hurts. I never knew I felt so strong until it's all gone. These bittersweet summer nights, man.

“Cancel your pity party. Pull yourself together and take total ownership for everything in your life.”

I've learned that if you're close with someone and they never ask you how you are doing, the odds are they don't care about you at all. I've spent so much of my time with this one person, getting to know every single little thing about them and their life, and they never ask me anything about mine! They just don't give a shit. It was so annoying at first, and it made me feel bad, but the truth is they really just don't care about your life. Not everyone is going to care about you, so don't waste your time on them. The truth is hidden within all of the little details.

If I had to come back in another life I would love nothing more than to be a beautiful and sassy Latina. Just sayin'

I don't know why I've become so angry lately! Like if anyone from my "unhappy" past even texts me "hi" I'll just sent them an essay text yelling at them! Needless to say it should've happened a long time ago, but now it just makes me look psycho. You know that therapy method of writing a letter to someone you're angry at just to get all your feelings at but never sending it? That's basically what I'm doing, except I send it... smh. At least I'm sane enough to see things clearly about what happened with these people, but at the same time I'm insane enough to freak out at them over something that happened like a year ago.

I think it's hilariously depressing that he is once again hooking up with her. I don't like her. Plain and simple. She was always such a judgmental and shitty friend (for the small amount of time that we were friends), and this year I warned her about him, and what does she do? Laugh and throw it in my face. And now after I told him that it would NEVER happen between us again, he goes to her, and she takes it! HA! It's funny. Thank god she's leaving soon so I don't have to be around her. I don't know why it still bothers me a smidge. Like he asked for ME back first, so it's not like I'm jealous. I'm not. Good luck with that boy. It's just obnoxious, because I also hope people will make good decisions and not hurt other people. Then I'm kinda let down. But I guess I shouldn't expect anything from her.

Vent session over peace 

Phoebe Ryan - Dead (Official Video)

Literally my life summed up in a song thx

I really hope this barrier goes away eventually. Like I understand it and I'll let it be there for now. I just feel so, like, I don't know, "fake" when he tries to hold my hand or lay down with me or any of that shit. I look at other couples and that's all I want, but then when it happens to me I just feel like it's not real, like it's a joke. I just want to experience a great love, one where I can actually feel something. And now I get so scared that I won't be able to feel like that because I have a huge blockade up and I have absolutely no idea how to take it down.

I remember sobbing over a guy until I couldn't breathe. Although that's extremely painful to go through, it's still something. Now I don't get close enough to anyone to even let that happen, even friends. It's gross and I hate it.

A piece of advice- Never, and I mean NEVER, drink with a concussion. I don't even know how I made it out alive yesterday. Not good.

SMH at myself hard core.

YOU LOOK DISGUSTING

Gotta love being concussed the day before Fourth of July weekend....

It's nice to see how far I've come. I remember that exactly a year ago I was being harassed by he who will not be named anymore so badly until I was throwing up in a parking lot. I was a depressed mess, and I let people mess with me so easily. I let others control my life.

I am much more self aware now. Yesterday I "ended" things with the guy I had been hooking up with since April simply because I could feel myself growing semi-attached and I knew that would never be what this was, so out of respect for myself I ended it. To my surprise, he was so understanding and HELPFUL in response. He said, "If you take anything from this it should be that you deserve respect and you should feel comfortable being open about your feelings and if you aren't because you're worried a guy isn't going to respect them then you shouldn't be involved with them anyways." WOW! That statement is so true and lately that's how I've been trying to live my life. Last year I was that girl who was to scared to speak up for herself. Now I demand respect and I communicate openly and am so much happier. I still have so much to experience to learn and I'll cross that bridge when I get there, but looking back at exactly a year ago, I have grown so much. I have become a little more selfish- in a good way. I'm learning what's good for me, and I'm speaking up for what I want. That's how it should be. You need to fight for yourself! I've been scared lately because I feel that I could drop anyone so easily, when my junior year I tried to keep everyone close to me, even if they were toxic. It's a little scary, feeling so different from who you used to be. I think I'll find a good balance sometime soon though.

Glad I'm not in the place I was on July 1st, 2014.

Set to lose 10 pounds the healthy way. I'm always complaining about how unhealthily I eat (even though I can't eat any fat really, I still don't eat the protein I should), so I stocked up at the grocery store yesterday, and hopefully I can start some healthier habits this summer!

I hate that I loved him. I don't even know why I did, considering all of the extremely awful and arguably disturbing circumstances. I didn't even know that love was what I was feeling until, well, several months later. I think you realize you're in love when you memorize how they sleep and how their face changes when you say certain words. It sucks. It really does. I wish I hadn't been in love with him, because he absolutely didn't love me back. At all. And I shouldn't have even loved him to begin with. I wish I loved my high school boyfriend, when the circumstances were "normal," but I didn't love him. I jumped into a relationship with him right after things ended with the one I did love. I was so broken, and I didn't even know it. It's weird, you know, how messed up things can be without you even realizing it.

Wow.

So I sent in some pieces to the publisher that I met about a week ago, expecting absolutely nothing back. I sent her pieces that I wrote in English last year, and some pieces that I wrote on my own. She wrote me back that she fell in love with the memoir (that I completely half-assed, yikes) that I wrote in English last year and wants to talk more about publishing it...

AH.

It's terrifying. After writing an entire book and then having that fall through, this terrifies me even more. That memoir is ever so personal, because it talks NOTHING about boys, but rather my own inner demons. It's a funny memoir, poking fun at anxiety disorders and your inner demons, but that's still a lot to share.

I don't know. UGH

Everywhere I look I find someone prettier than me. Someone skinnier than me. It kills me. I've become a decently confident person, at least with guys, where I'm able to stick up for myself and pass up opportunities because I feel like I can do better/deserve better. But I don't believe anything anyone tells me. Like I have people on the street randomly telling me that I'm pretty, etc, but I just don't see it! I feel so overweight sometimes. With a roommate who's barely 100 pounds it's hard to compare myself to her. I know I have a body that some people want, and I'm happy with it sometimes. I just always feel like I can look better, and then I kick myself in the ass when I don't do anything about it. I think it's safe to say that every girl wants to be the prettiest one in the room, and it's almost worse when you have the potential to be (totally not saying I do, it's just a general statement), because then things get so competitive and you feel like you just have to keep improving yourself.

I just want to be totally content with myself. My mom said that was her biggest regret looking back on her early adult years- not being confident in her looks and herself as a person. It's okay to think you're attractive! I just wish I could actually feel confident, and not just act confident.

I'm back from Orientation! It was so stressful and extremely tiring, but it was also so much fun! Let it be known that I am typing from my new Macbook Air (I've never had a macbook so it's basically like Christmas to me). I got to hangout with my roommate and sign up for classes- classes of which I actually want to be taking! It's such a relief. They're all English or Psych classes which is exactly what I hoped for. It was also kind of scary because orientation makes things so real. Like so real. I signed up for classes. I saw my dorm room. Move in day is really just around the corner.

Wow.

I have to say-
I've been "casually" hooking up with someone since the end of April- at first I was really nervous about it, because I know how confusing things can get in those kinds of situations and I usually never go for them, but I honestly don't think I've felt more confident in a situation before. I feel good about myself. We talk basically every day, so it's not like he doesn't put in any effort. That's the most important thing to me, besides respect- it's like, why would you think I would let you have me in that sense if you don't make any effort? I have more respect for myself than I used to. I've just overall found myself much happier and more confident, especially way more than I thought I would be at the beginning of it all. Things may change and go downhill, but at least I know I can handle these kinds of situations. I know how I want to go about them. What I need.

What's setting me back is my freaking EX! It's funny, if anything I thought he would've been a person to make me feel good. He showed up at my house and poured out all these feelings about how he wanted to get back together and how he missed me, etc, then immediately just went straight for the hookup. Honestly? No. Do you think I'm that stupid? There's no respect there. Then he randomly will text me emotional things then never talk to me again. If you want an easy hookup, don't go to an ex of whom you have a history with. That's not only stupid, but it's cruel. It's pissing me off so much.. I'm so excited to go to lunch with him today just to get closure and bitch him out, quite honestly. I've been way to nice with exes in the past- always giving them the benefit of the doubt. That only works for so long. After a certain point you have to do what's good for you. You have to stick up for yourself.

I have to send some work into a publisher, and I have absolutely no idea what to send her. So many of my stories, my focus points, are centered around guys. And while that makes for a good story and there's a lot to learn there, I don't really know if that's what I want my focus to be. I think there's a lot to say about an individual based on what they take away from relationships or how they act inside of them, but I don't want to be a one trick pony. It's just a lot to think about and I don't want to screw up. After all, this could be the start of a possible career. Ah...!

I am back! It was a great trip. I loved spending time with all of my closest friends, and although I've learned to appreciate my bathroom and my bed a lot more (8 girls, 1 bathroom- not good), I wouldn't have changed a thing. I grew a little bit homesick, and that scared me because I felt like if I couldn't even handle this, how was I supposed to handle college? 

I also found out my dorm assignment for Wiscosnin, and I got my first choice! It's such a load off my shoulders. Thank god.

I read three great books, all light beach reads, but I recommend all of them! They were, "To All the Boys I've Ever Loved," "Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (I wanted to read it before I saw the movie), and "Before I Fall." I absolutely love reading in the summer. There's just something about it- since now you actually have the time to enjoy reading.

It's also been a nice break from work. I can't remember the last time I had a whole week off! 

Off to Martha's Vineyard. Let's hope I don't cry on the plane. See y'all in 6 days.

I don't understand why I can't catch a break with my health. Really. It's like my body is just giving up on me. I can't eat anything anymore without getting sick. Since school has ended I have lost 4 pounds simply because I can't keep anything down. I'm going to Martha's Vineyard for a week with my friends on Wednesday and I'm already freaking out because I'm not going to be able to eat anything and I'm just going to feel like shit the whole time. I feel bad making my parents take me to doctor upon doctor since they've already spent so much money on medical bills for me in the past, but I honestly just don't know what's wrong with me. I can't live like this in college.

After deleting my public blog, the amount of people I knew who had it without me knowing is just seeping out and it really freaks me out... jeez. Now I'm even scared to write on here.

I'm a very open person and a very personal person all at the same time. It's so weird. I was willing to share so much of my life for a million people, but I keep so much inside at the same time. I have no problem discussing sex, boys- the stuff that may seem super intimate and personal. But I never discuss my family or what's currently going on in my life. I honestly tell no one. I have so much going on right now that absolutely no one knows about. I kind of like it like that. Like with a guy for example, it kind of gives me the opportunity to figure it out for myself. Then if it ends or something goes wrong I'll talk about it- maybe. I don't know why that really needs to be a problem. I mean, it's my life, I should be able to choose what I do and do not share, you know? I think I'm pretty generous with sharing a lot about myself, but that doesn't mean I should be expected to share everything.

Today in the mail, I received a letter that I wrote to myself in 8th grade. It's safe to say a lot has changed, and a lot has remained the same. I wrote a little note about people who I should look up, and ironically I still know all of them so it's not even necessary.  Most of it was funny, saying who my crushes were at the time or funny memories. One thing really bothered me though. On the question, "Something that no one knows about me" I wrote, "I hate my face. I am actually so unhappy with myself sometimes." I wanted to melt- it was if I could feel my own pain at the time. I don't even remember being unhappy, but it sure as hell seemed like I was. I also wrote that I learned "not to trust too easily," something of which was completely reiterated in high school. It's so strange to see how far I've come but how much has also remained the same. Learning things takes such a long time sometimes. It's hard to look back and remember yourself as unhappy during certain times in your life. It's also hard to think about how you'll definitely have more moments like that in the future- it's kind of scary. I'm glad I wrote it though, it's fun to go back four years and think about how long ago that actually was, even if it seems like just yesterday.

Someone told me that they've learned more about how to communicate with someone you're intimately involved with in one month than they have their entire life, and it honestly made me feel so good. I'm finally understanding what I need. To hear that I can also spread that message to guys I'm involving myself with is even better. Sex and hooking up isn't all just physical, no matter how much either party may want it to be. There will most likely always be other aspects involved, even if you never talk to them again. The thing to realize is that you need to communicate that to people. If you go into something telling people what you want out of this then there's just so much less confusion. If someone made you feel like complete shit, there's a chance they don't even know it- tell them. Being open with someone you're involved with in whatever way makes things SO much better! I just want to help other people realize this in any way that I can because it took me so long to understand, and if I knew it all much earlier on I would have saved myself so much pain.

How do I feel about every single guy I've been with asking to get back together this summer within the span of a week? Quite honestly, I think it's a joke. It's like something happened to me- I just don't want any of it anymore. I would've died to have had my ex back a couple of months ago. But you know what, he broke up with me. And just because he's bored now doesn't mean jack to me (no pun intended). It's almost insulting that he thinks after five minutes of saying "I'm sorry, I miss you, I messed up..." that I'll jump into bed with him. I am SO much better than that. I finally realize that.

I've kind of come to terms with how I want to handle myself with guys. I do not want a relationship- at least right now. But I also am not and probably will never be a girl who is completely okay with casually hooking up. If we are hooking up, you need to make an effort to talk to me. Ask about my day. Don't just text me to hookup. I think that my body is something that needs to be earned, and if I just give it out with no effort given, I'm going to feel terrible about myself. This way it's so much better. I get the casual aspect while still feeling good about myself (for the time being, at least). So five minutes of trying to get on my good side then expecting sex just isn't going to work out. I have more important things to focus on.

I don't want to stop writing. Writing will forever be in my life, and I know that if I stop writing I'll get worse. My blog experiences haven't been the best, so I'm going to be sure to keep this one small. Only readers that I give the URL to. I don't need unnecessary stress this summer.