I really hope this barrier goes away eventually. Like I understand it and I'll let it be there for now. I just feel so, like, I don't know, "fake" when he tries to hold my hand or lay down with me or any of that shit. I look at other couples and that's all I want, but then when it happens to me I just feel like it's not real, like it's a joke. I just want to experience a great love, one where I can actually feel something. And now I get so scared that I won't be able to feel like that because I have a huge blockade up and I have absolutely no idea how to take it down.

I remember sobbing over a guy until I couldn't breathe. Although that's extremely painful to go through, it's still something. Now I don't get close enough to anyone to even let that happen, even friends. It's gross and I hate it.