Set to lose 10 pounds the healthy way. I'm always complaining about how unhealthily I eat (even though I can't eat any fat really, I still don't eat the protein I should), so I stocked up at the grocery store yesterday, and hopefully I can start some healthier habits this summer!

I hate that I loved him. I don't even know why I did, considering all of the extremely awful and arguably disturbing circumstances. I didn't even know that love was what I was feeling until, well, several months later. I think you realize you're in love when you memorize how they sleep and how their face changes when you say certain words. It sucks. It really does. I wish I hadn't been in love with him, because he absolutely didn't love me back. At all. And I shouldn't have even loved him to begin with. I wish I loved my high school boyfriend, when the circumstances were "normal," but I didn't love him. I jumped into a relationship with him right after things ended with the one I did love. I was so broken, and I didn't even know it. It's weird, you know, how messed up things can be without you even realizing it.

Wow.

So I sent in some pieces to the publisher that I met about a week ago, expecting absolutely nothing back. I sent her pieces that I wrote in English last year, and some pieces that I wrote on my own. She wrote me back that she fell in love with the memoir (that I completely half-assed, yikes) that I wrote in English last year and wants to talk more about publishing it...

AH.

It's terrifying. After writing an entire book and then having that fall through, this terrifies me even more. That memoir is ever so personal, because it talks NOTHING about boys, but rather my own inner demons. It's a funny memoir, poking fun at anxiety disorders and your inner demons, but that's still a lot to share.

I don't know. UGH

Everywhere I look I find someone prettier than me. Someone skinnier than me. It kills me. I've become a decently confident person, at least with guys, where I'm able to stick up for myself and pass up opportunities because I feel like I can do better/deserve better. But I don't believe anything anyone tells me. Like I have people on the street randomly telling me that I'm pretty, etc, but I just don't see it! I feel so overweight sometimes. With a roommate who's barely 100 pounds it's hard to compare myself to her. I know I have a body that some people want, and I'm happy with it sometimes. I just always feel like I can look better, and then I kick myself in the ass when I don't do anything about it. I think it's safe to say that every girl wants to be the prettiest one in the room, and it's almost worse when you have the potential to be (totally not saying I do, it's just a general statement), because then things get so competitive and you feel like you just have to keep improving yourself.

I just want to be totally content with myself. My mom said that was her biggest regret looking back on her early adult years- not being confident in her looks and herself as a person. It's okay to think you're attractive! I just wish I could actually feel confident, and not just act confident.

I'm back from Orientation! It was so stressful and extremely tiring, but it was also so much fun! Let it be known that I am typing from my new Macbook Air (I've never had a macbook so it's basically like Christmas to me). I got to hangout with my roommate and sign up for classes- classes of which I actually want to be taking! It's such a relief. They're all English or Psych classes which is exactly what I hoped for. It was also kind of scary because orientation makes things so real. Like so real. I signed up for classes. I saw my dorm room. Move in day is really just around the corner.

Wow.

I have to say-
I've been "casually" hooking up with someone since the end of April- at first I was really nervous about it, because I know how confusing things can get in those kinds of situations and I usually never go for them, but I honestly don't think I've felt more confident in a situation before. I feel good about myself. We talk basically every day, so it's not like he doesn't put in any effort. That's the most important thing to me, besides respect- it's like, why would you think I would let you have me in that sense if you don't make any effort? I have more respect for myself than I used to. I've just overall found myself much happier and more confident, especially way more than I thought I would be at the beginning of it all. Things may change and go downhill, but at least I know I can handle these kinds of situations. I know how I want to go about them. What I need.

What's setting me back is my freaking EX! It's funny, if anything I thought he would've been a person to make me feel good. He showed up at my house and poured out all these feelings about how he wanted to get back together and how he missed me, etc, then immediately just went straight for the hookup. Honestly? No. Do you think I'm that stupid? There's no respect there. Then he randomly will text me emotional things then never talk to me again. If you want an easy hookup, don't go to an ex of whom you have a history with. That's not only stupid, but it's cruel. It's pissing me off so much.. I'm so excited to go to lunch with him today just to get closure and bitch him out, quite honestly. I've been way to nice with exes in the past- always giving them the benefit of the doubt. That only works for so long. After a certain point you have to do what's good for you. You have to stick up for yourself.

I have to send some work into a publisher, and I have absolutely no idea what to send her. So many of my stories, my focus points, are centered around guys. And while that makes for a good story and there's a lot to learn there, I don't really know if that's what I want my focus to be. I think there's a lot to say about an individual based on what they take away from relationships or how they act inside of them, but I don't want to be a one trick pony. It's just a lot to think about and I don't want to screw up. After all, this could be the start of a possible career. Ah...!

I am back! It was a great trip. I loved spending time with all of my closest friends, and although I've learned to appreciate my bathroom and my bed a lot more (8 girls, 1 bathroom- not good), I wouldn't have changed a thing. I grew a little bit homesick, and that scared me because I felt like if I couldn't even handle this, how was I supposed to handle college? 

I also found out my dorm assignment for Wiscosnin, and I got my first choice! It's such a load off my shoulders. Thank god.

I read three great books, all light beach reads, but I recommend all of them! They were, "To All the Boys I've Ever Loved," "Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (I wanted to read it before I saw the movie), and "Before I Fall." I absolutely love reading in the summer. There's just something about it- since now you actually have the time to enjoy reading.

It's also been a nice break from work. I can't remember the last time I had a whole week off! 

Off to Martha's Vineyard. Let's hope I don't cry on the plane. See y'all in 6 days.

I don't understand why I can't catch a break with my health. Really. It's like my body is just giving up on me. I can't eat anything anymore without getting sick. Since school has ended I have lost 4 pounds simply because I can't keep anything down. I'm going to Martha's Vineyard for a week with my friends on Wednesday and I'm already freaking out because I'm not going to be able to eat anything and I'm just going to feel like shit the whole time. I feel bad making my parents take me to doctor upon doctor since they've already spent so much money on medical bills for me in the past, but I honestly just don't know what's wrong with me. I can't live like this in college.

After deleting my public blog, the amount of people I knew who had it without me knowing is just seeping out and it really freaks me out... jeez. Now I'm even scared to write on here.

I'm a very open person and a very personal person all at the same time. It's so weird. I was willing to share so much of my life for a million people, but I keep so much inside at the same time. I have no problem discussing sex, boys- the stuff that may seem super intimate and personal. But I never discuss my family or what's currently going on in my life. I honestly tell no one. I have so much going on right now that absolutely no one knows about. I kind of like it like that. Like with a guy for example, it kind of gives me the opportunity to figure it out for myself. Then if it ends or something goes wrong I'll talk about it- maybe. I don't know why that really needs to be a problem. I mean, it's my life, I should be able to choose what I do and do not share, you know? I think I'm pretty generous with sharing a lot about myself, but that doesn't mean I should be expected to share everything.

Today in the mail, I received a letter that I wrote to myself in 8th grade. It's safe to say a lot has changed, and a lot has remained the same. I wrote a little note about people who I should look up, and ironically I still know all of them so it's not even necessary.  Most of it was funny, saying who my crushes were at the time or funny memories. One thing really bothered me though. On the question, "Something that no one knows about me" I wrote, "I hate my face. I am actually so unhappy with myself sometimes." I wanted to melt- it was if I could feel my own pain at the time. I don't even remember being unhappy, but it sure as hell seemed like I was. I also wrote that I learned "not to trust too easily," something of which was completely reiterated in high school. It's so strange to see how far I've come but how much has also remained the same. Learning things takes such a long time sometimes. It's hard to look back and remember yourself as unhappy during certain times in your life. It's also hard to think about how you'll definitely have more moments like that in the future- it's kind of scary. I'm glad I wrote it though, it's fun to go back four years and think about how long ago that actually was, even if it seems like just yesterday.

Someone told me that they've learned more about how to communicate with someone you're intimately involved with in one month than they have their entire life, and it honestly made me feel so good. I'm finally understanding what I need. To hear that I can also spread that message to guys I'm involving myself with is even better. Sex and hooking up isn't all just physical, no matter how much either party may want it to be. There will most likely always be other aspects involved, even if you never talk to them again. The thing to realize is that you need to communicate that to people. If you go into something telling people what you want out of this then there's just so much less confusion. If someone made you feel like complete shit, there's a chance they don't even know it- tell them. Being open with someone you're involved with in whatever way makes things SO much better! I just want to help other people realize this in any way that I can because it took me so long to understand, and if I knew it all much earlier on I would have saved myself so much pain.

How do I feel about every single guy I've been with asking to get back together this summer within the span of a week? Quite honestly, I think it's a joke. It's like something happened to me- I just don't want any of it anymore. I would've died to have had my ex back a couple of months ago. But you know what, he broke up with me. And just because he's bored now doesn't mean jack to me (no pun intended). It's almost insulting that he thinks after five minutes of saying "I'm sorry, I miss you, I messed up..." that I'll jump into bed with him. I am SO much better than that. I finally realize that.

I've kind of come to terms with how I want to handle myself with guys. I do not want a relationship- at least right now. But I also am not and probably will never be a girl who is completely okay with casually hooking up. If we are hooking up, you need to make an effort to talk to me. Ask about my day. Don't just text me to hookup. I think that my body is something that needs to be earned, and if I just give it out with no effort given, I'm going to feel terrible about myself. This way it's so much better. I get the casual aspect while still feeling good about myself (for the time being, at least). So five minutes of trying to get on my good side then expecting sex just isn't going to work out. I have more important things to focus on.

I don't want to stop writing. Writing will forever be in my life, and I know that if I stop writing I'll get worse. My blog experiences haven't been the best, so I'm going to be sure to keep this one small. Only readers that I give the URL to. I don't need unnecessary stress this summer.