Everyone is addicted to something. I've never been a huge fan of drinking and I probably never will be, I've smoked or done any drugs other than what has been prescribed to me- the usual things that people my age seem to be so addicted to these days. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do it, I just don't really have a huge inclination to. It sounds super strange to find a way to phrase this, because I wouldn't exactly say that I'm boy crazy since that's kind of a middle school phrase, but it's kind of true. I think that's sort of my addiction. I always have to have something going on. It gets me into trouble a lot of the time, whether that's hurting someone or being hurt myself. It just gives me sort of a rush, I don't know... the chase of it all. The thing is, though, is that I'm not this huge player type. I seem like I am, because I make sure I don't throw all my marbles in for just one person (I know better than to do that), but at the end of the day that's all I want to do. I'm so excited for college because of the new experiences and new pool of guys, but I'm also dreading all of the one night stands or random hookups that are going to come with that. I just hate that. I don't want that. But I also don't know if I can handle a relationship. So where does that leave me?

My mom was yelling at me today because I went out with a 22 year old last night. "Do you honestly think you can keep up with their expectations?"

Look. In all honesty, if I've learned anything from all of my experiences, it's that you need to set your own expectations. They don't get to set them for you. You get to do what you want with them, say what you want to them, etc. Just because they're older than you doesn't mean anything. I've gone out with respectful older guys and terribly disrespectful and aggressive "younger guys" or guys my age. It really doesn't have much to do with age. I'm sick of seeing girls being warned about expectations when, instead, we should be teaching our daughters to set our OWN expectations. It's a travesty, really. Do what YOU want. No one's setting expectations for you unless you abide by them.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

There seems to be an extreme pain with warm, sunny, summer nights. It all brings me back to the end of last summer. Dancing in my underwear at 3 am making cupcakes with him, driving around way past when I should've been on an early September school night, having him carry me down the driveway to look at the stars when I refused to move, missing my high school homecoming game to sneak around with him, sitting on his lap in the most random bubble tea shop ever created... it's all just hitting me like a million bricks. My heart physically hurts when I breathe in the warm air, it physically hurts. I never knew I felt so strong until it's all gone. These bittersweet summer nights, man.

“Cancel your pity party. Pull yourself together and take total ownership for everything in your life.”

I've learned that if you're close with someone and they never ask you how you are doing, the odds are they don't care about you at all. I've spent so much of my time with this one person, getting to know every single little thing about them and their life, and they never ask me anything about mine! They just don't give a shit. It was so annoying at first, and it made me feel bad, but the truth is they really just don't care about your life. Not everyone is going to care about you, so don't waste your time on them. The truth is hidden within all of the little details.

If I had to come back in another life I would love nothing more than to be a beautiful and sassy Latina. Just sayin'

I don't know why I've become so angry lately! Like if anyone from my "unhappy" past even texts me "hi" I'll just sent them an essay text yelling at them! Needless to say it should've happened a long time ago, but now it just makes me look psycho. You know that therapy method of writing a letter to someone you're angry at just to get all your feelings at but never sending it? That's basically what I'm doing, except I send it... smh. At least I'm sane enough to see things clearly about what happened with these people, but at the same time I'm insane enough to freak out at them over something that happened like a year ago.

I think it's hilariously depressing that he is once again hooking up with her. I don't like her. Plain and simple. She was always such a judgmental and shitty friend (for the small amount of time that we were friends), and this year I warned her about him, and what does she do? Laugh and throw it in my face. And now after I told him that it would NEVER happen between us again, he goes to her, and she takes it! HA! It's funny. Thank god she's leaving soon so I don't have to be around her. I don't know why it still bothers me a smidge. Like he asked for ME back first, so it's not like I'm jealous. I'm not. Good luck with that boy. It's just obnoxious, because I also hope people will make good decisions and not hurt other people. Then I'm kinda let down. But I guess I shouldn't expect anything from her.

Vent session over peace 

Phoebe Ryan - Dead (Official Video)

Literally my life summed up in a song thx

I really hope this barrier goes away eventually. Like I understand it and I'll let it be there for now. I just feel so, like, I don't know, "fake" when he tries to hold my hand or lay down with me or any of that shit. I look at other couples and that's all I want, but then when it happens to me I just feel like it's not real, like it's a joke. I just want to experience a great love, one where I can actually feel something. And now I get so scared that I won't be able to feel like that because I have a huge blockade up and I have absolutely no idea how to take it down.

I remember sobbing over a guy until I couldn't breathe. Although that's extremely painful to go through, it's still something. Now I don't get close enough to anyone to even let that happen, even friends. It's gross and I hate it.

A piece of advice- Never, and I mean NEVER, drink with a concussion. I don't even know how I made it out alive yesterday. Not good.

SMH at myself hard core.

YOU LOOK DISGUSTING

Gotta love being concussed the day before Fourth of July weekend....

It's nice to see how far I've come. I remember that exactly a year ago I was being harassed by he who will not be named anymore so badly until I was throwing up in a parking lot. I was a depressed mess, and I let people mess with me so easily. I let others control my life.

I am much more self aware now. Yesterday I "ended" things with the guy I had been hooking up with since April simply because I could feel myself growing semi-attached and I knew that would never be what this was, so out of respect for myself I ended it. To my surprise, he was so understanding and HELPFUL in response. He said, "If you take anything from this it should be that you deserve respect and you should feel comfortable being open about your feelings and if you aren't because you're worried a guy isn't going to respect them then you shouldn't be involved with them anyways." WOW! That statement is so true and lately that's how I've been trying to live my life. Last year I was that girl who was to scared to speak up for herself. Now I demand respect and I communicate openly and am so much happier. I still have so much to experience to learn and I'll cross that bridge when I get there, but looking back at exactly a year ago, I have grown so much. I have become a little more selfish- in a good way. I'm learning what's good for me, and I'm speaking up for what I want. That's how it should be. You need to fight for yourself! I've been scared lately because I feel that I could drop anyone so easily, when my junior year I tried to keep everyone close to me, even if they were toxic. It's a little scary, feeling so different from who you used to be. I think I'll find a good balance sometime soon though.

Glad I'm not in the place I was on July 1st, 2014.