Well, I'm off. So many emotions I can't exactly find the words. I'm so excited, nervous, sad, happy, ready, not ready... the basic emotions of a kid right before they leave for college. Let's hope this fresh start works out for me, because I've been betting on it.

Love you all. Whoever "all" is. I'll try and update this as much as I can, but I won't even have time to breathe the first few weeks!

Honestly the worst thing you can do to someone is tell them that you love them then never talk to them again. I would know

Uncomfortable Nostalgia

Well. It's over. A year and a half year's of work is over. Vanished. I thought I would be so elated when this day came- to sum up my summer would be working endlessly and missing out on tons of fun things, and for what? No recognition. 

We all live for hope. I hoped that my hard work would be recognized. Endless scheduling and staying there in the loneliness of the late night- I thought maybe it would all pay off somehow. And the broken heart, I thought that would be mended. Not that we would rekindle things- I know that would NEVER happen. It just isn't meant to happen. But some sort of peace talk, some sort of closure. Some sort of "I'll miss you."

Instead, what I got on my last day was a sharp, "See ya" from him. A pat on the back, no "Thank you" from anyone. Nothing. I just got sent off without a care. I started crying- tears streamed from my eyes as I walked out the door. I couldn't help but wonder why. I don't love it there. If you knew me you would know that. But I do so much there. Did so much, I guess. I was their glue, and they knew that. I put my heart and soul into that place and making it better. And I genuinely cared about the people. I have so much history there- so many good things, and so many bad things, and to leave it at a "see ya" broke my heart. 

I thought maybe my last day would have closure. Things would be mended. But nothing was mended, and that sent me into a panic mode. I didn't see it ending like this.

I don't know how to feel.

I guess all it really is is a "See ya."

Someone who I've hung out with once and told over and over again that I just wanted to be friends. It's so revolting and disgusting to see the kinds of things people say when they're upset. Like honestly, do you even understand that what you say affects other people? Despicable.

happy birthday.

Low key freaking out about college. I am SO excited for it. I am so excited for new people, new boys, new surroundings- we are completely starting our lives over. It's almost like we're being born again.

But I already know I'm going to feel insecure. I always feel such a need to be internally competitive with other girls, even if I don't realize I'm doing it. I'm going to feel fat and ugly around other sorority girls. I have been going crazy in the gym only to see very few results, and now I'm insecure about that. I know it's supposed to be the time of your life, and I'm sure it will be, I just don't want to get caught up in the wrong things.

To think that in exactly three weeks I'll be starting a completely new life is crazy.

I am SO sick of the world "stop" not being taken seriously.

Sometimes I still really question my judgement. After all I've learned, I still seem to make mistakes. Last week I ended up in a pretty bad part of Chicago because this guy I know invited me to a party. He's never really said much about himself, but he seemed super interested in me and he seemed really nice. He wasn't part of the North Shore bubble. I liked that. He's my age, yet he lives such a different life. Anyways, I show up, and it's just such a different world. People snorting drugs off tables, meanwhile I'm holding my car keys being the designated driver. I know no one at the party but him. He holds on to me all night, calling me beautiful and all this shit, until one second he just doesn't. He goes on to talk about how he thinks I should go, that he only "hangs out with dimes" and that he'll probably never see me again. Did I forget to mention that he told me earlier in the night that he dropped out of high school at age 16 and has to intent on going back? ever? He treated me like I was so gross. Like I wasn't good enough.

It's no secret that I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm not going to lie, I've been called hot many times. I have boobs and an ass, it's not that surprising that I'd hear that. But I've never really thought I was pretty. But to hear that out of someone who, quite honestly, is going nowhere, and have him think he's SO much better than me? What a JOKE. I drove to a terrible neighborhood where I knew no one, and that's what he's going to say? HA.

I'm just glad I didn't get killed or something, quite honestly. I could be upset about how I completely misjudged this guy, and I could get super self conscious about the comments he made to me. Or I could realize that I'm going to be around 20,000 new college guys, and that I won't even remember this odd and ridiculous night.

I'm growing. Slowly but surely.

PS- I don't recommend making the decision I made haha.

The weirdest things have been happening so when I find a way to put them into words I'll post that.

It's a real struggle.