And after all this time you'd think I'd learn that you shouldn't go for hockey players.

jesus christ gillian

Well, I'm off. So many emotions I can't exactly find the words. I'm so excited, nervous, sad, happy, ready, not ready... the basic emotions of a kid right before they leave for college. Let's hope this fresh start works out for me, because I've been betting on it.

Love you all. Whoever "all" is. I'll try and update this as much as I can, but I won't even have time to breathe the first few weeks!

Honestly the worst thing you can do to someone is tell them that you love them then never talk to them again. I would know

Uncomfortable Nostalgia

Well. It's over. A year and a half year's of work is over. Vanished. I thought I would be so elated when this day came- to sum up my summer would be working endlessly and missing out on tons of fun things, and for what? No recognition. 

We all live for hope. I hoped that my hard work would be recognized. Endless scheduling and staying there in the loneliness of the late night- I thought maybe it would all pay off somehow. And the broken heart, I thought that would be mended. Not that we would rekindle things- I know that would NEVER happen. It just isn't meant to happen. But some sort of peace talk, some sort of closure. Some sort of "I'll miss you."

Instead, what I got on my last day was a sharp, "See ya" from him. A pat on the back, no "Thank you" from anyone. Nothing. I just got sent off without a care. I started crying- tears streamed from my eyes as I walked out the door. I couldn't help but wonder why. I don't love it there. If you knew me you would know that. But I do so much there. Did so much, I guess. I was their glue, and they knew that. I put my heart and soul into that place and making it better. And I genuinely cared about the people. I have so much history there- so many good things, and so many bad things, and to leave it at a "see ya" broke my heart. 

I thought maybe my last day would have closure. Things would be mended. But nothing was mended, and that sent me into a panic mode. I didn't see it ending like this.

I don't know how to feel.

I guess all it really is is a "See ya."

Someone who I've hung out with once and told over and over again that I just wanted to be friends. It's so revolting and disgusting to see the kinds of things people say when they're upset. Like honestly, do you even understand that what you say affects other people? Despicable.

happy birthday.

Low key freaking out about college. I am SO excited for it. I am so excited for new people, new boys, new surroundings- we are completely starting our lives over. It's almost like we're being born again.

But I already know I'm going to feel insecure. I always feel such a need to be internally competitive with other girls, even if I don't realize I'm doing it. I'm going to feel fat and ugly around other sorority girls. I have been going crazy in the gym only to see very few results, and now I'm insecure about that. I know it's supposed to be the time of your life, and I'm sure it will be, I just don't want to get caught up in the wrong things.

To think that in exactly three weeks I'll be starting a completely new life is crazy.